乔.斯图亚特名言 66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. 66．我按照传统过感恩节。我把我的邻居都请到家里，我们大大美餐了一顿，然后我把他们都杀了，把他们的土地抢了过来。 67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. 67．失眠是我最大的灵感来源。 68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea. 68．犯罪证据，有的，非常确凿，可能利用的大规模杀伤性武器，我们一直在寻找，以便用作侵略伊拉克的借口。不过，只有一个问题，它现在北朝鲜。 69. We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. 69．我们向恐怖主义宣战——没有说说而已，所以，我们还算走运。 70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005 70．你知道我们在伊拉克的战争多奇怪荒诞吗，从一开始我们就该知道的。我们进入伊拉克，德国却不愿意一起。那可是德国，连这个战争巨人都不愿插手。 比尔.马赫名言 71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. 71．过去算罪行的现在都成了疾病。 72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. 72．在我看来，开着飞机撞大楼，根源在他们的信仰。宗教就是神经错乱。 73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. 73．对我来说，宗教就是一个介于人类和上帝之间的官僚载体，而且是我不需要的官僚载体。 74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed. 74．现在人们提议要禁烟，一周内可能被十个或十个以上人使用的地点都不能抽烟，我就在想，那是不是就是说麦当娜在床上也不能抽烟了。 杰瑞.宋飞名言 75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. 75．男人对内衣的要求和对女人的要求一样，要一点支持，还有要一点自由。 76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. 76．狗才是这个星球的主人。你要是看见两种生命形态，一个在大便，另一个在盛大便，你会以为哪个是主人。 77. there’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.“” 77．男性杂志很少给建议，因为男人不知道自己懂得不多，而女人知道，而且乐意去学。男人想的是：“我知道我在干什么，你只要给我看裸体就行了“”。 78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.“” 78．为什么人们彼此送花？庆祝各种重要事件和节日就要谋杀活生生的生命吗？为什么还针对植物？“亲爱的，我们结婚吧，请接受这只死松鼠。“” 拉里.戴维名言 79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough. 79．任何人都可以因他满头的秀发而自信。但是自信的光头，就像杂草堆里的钻石。 80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. 80．如果你实在地说出你的感受，那就有意思了。 81. I’m surprised Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.“” 81．我挺奇怪为什么希特勒没把流氓也圈到集中营去。 丹尼斯.米勒名言 82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. 82. 最近一项关于警察的研究表明，如果你逃跑的话，被胖警察击中的可能性比较大。 83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board. 83　普通美国人日程上的空档比菜鸟在镖靶上留下了洞还少。 84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.“” 84.　唯一能让法国卷入伊拉克的方法就是告诉他们，我们在伊拉克发现了法式顶级巧克力。 杰.列农名言 85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? 85．奇怪的是，为什么我们从来没听过像“通灵人士赢彩票大奖“”这样的新闻。 86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. 86.　最高法院决定华盛顿不能上演耶稣诞生剧，但并不是因为宗教原因。因为他们找不出三个智者和一个处女。 87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. 87.　美国现在体重超重的人要比体重正常的人要多。所以，体重超重的成了正常体重，也就是说，你新年许下的愿望已经实现了。 88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 88. 《新英格兰医学期刊》有文章称九成的医生认为有一成的医生是笨蛋。 罗德尼.丁奇菲尔德名言 89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 89. 我的父亲随身带着一张孩子的照片，这个孩子是和他随身带的钱包一起到他手里的。 90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. 90.　我小时候在脱口秀行业混的时候很穷，经常跑到宴会去吃葡萄。 91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. 91.　在我这个年龄，我想要两个女孩。这样我睡着的时候，她们也好有人说说话。 92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.“” I went over. Nobody was home! 92.　一个女孩给我打电话说：“你过来吧，我家没人。“”于是我去了，她家的确一个人都没有。 93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 93.　如果你是双性恋，周末出去约会的概率一下提高一倍。 沙拉.斯尔弗曼 名言 94. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonades’. 94. 如果上帝让你得爱滋——是确实让你得了爱滋——那就弄点柠檬水杀爱滋。 95. I was raped by a doctor. This is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. 95.　我曾被一个医生强暴，你知道，这对一个犹太女孩来讲是苦涩而甜蜜的。 克里斯.洛克名言 96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. 96.　每个区都有两个一样的购物中心，一个是白人去的，另一个是白人以前去的。 97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. 97.　我住的地方治安极差，差到你还没挨完第一个枪子，第二个枪子又来了。 98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. 98.　如果一个看起来十六岁的女的跟你说她二十岁，那她实际十二岁。如果是看起来二十六，跟你说也是二十六，那她可能已经快四十了。 99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?“” 99. 你知道这个世界有多疯狂吗，最好的饶舌歌手是白人，最好的高尔夫选手是黑人，NBA身高最高的选手是中国人，瑞士人卫冕美洲杯帆船赛事，法国指责美国自大，德国不参战，美国最有权的三个人分别叫“布什“”（译者注：英文“杂草“”的意思）、“迪克“”（译者注：美国俚语里“男性生殖器“”的意思）、“科隆“”（译者注：“结肠“”的意思），还用我就更多例子吗？ 100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.“” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars 100.接下来的四位主持人保证让你们挪不开视线，她们是萨尔曼．海耶克和佩尼洛普．克鲁兹